我不想在说

我不想再谈

我不想分享

这个问题

是没有解决的

每次都这样

我很辛苦

我很想放弃

解脱一切

我总觉得

我不能继续

有一种不完美，

被欺骗的感觉

我很失望我自己变成这样

不是我想像中的我

我知道你现在对我的好

我很珍惜 现在的我们

也有打算我们的未来

但是为什么

我一直被过去影响我现在的心情？

我不想再和你分享了

这样只会让你觉得更烦

然后影响大家的心情

你也做不了什么

只能自己觉得内疚

吵架也吵过了无数次

安慰我的话

我也听完了

对不起，

无论你做什么

也补不会那些错误

我心中的遗憾

有谁理解吗？

我一直在问我自己

我几时才可以放下？

我不能回答这个问题

但是有一个问题我很确定答案，

那就是，

如果上天给我一个从来的机会

我一定不会选择我现在这一条路。。。

这个问题
这种心情
让我自己来面对好了
我真的不想再谈
然后又吵架
我不想再从来这一切了


因为这是我自己的问题
是我的心不够宽
放不下那一切
这是一个没有解决的问题
我只能自己面对
没有人可以帮我


心里总在埋怨，

为什么当初你要这样对我...

Love

          

 What is love? 

        This is a frequent asked question by mankind, and yet there is no definite answer for it. People has been talking about it and giving their own definition for it.

         Love is blind.

         Love is beautiful.

         Love is the answer.

         Love will keep us alive.

         True love never dies.

          And so on....

         I've been experiencing love since I was young. Family love. It is a very simple love, and can be easily understood. My parents love me, and I love my parents. Reasons? Because I am their child. They are the one who raised me up. I am who I am today all because of them. I love my family and relatives. Reasons? Because we are connected, we are related with one another. If I were a stranger to them, we wouldn't be loving each other at all. Love in family is simple, and easy to understand why we love each other.

        Lately, I've experienced different kind of love. This love is much more complicated than family's love, and it could not be understood easily. How could I love someone that is not related to me so deep? He is not my family member, or someone who is with me since I was young. He was a stranger, then a friend, and slowly became someone I love. The feeling of this kind of love is difficult. You want to know more about him, you care for him, and maybe you care too much, and you would sacrifice your time just for him. Love, is when the things he does would affect your mood completely, because you just care too much.

      Since I've been experiencing this love, I feel like I am not the person who I used to know. It can be said in two ways, I do not know who I am anymore, or I have understood myself more. I have learned a few traits in me.

        Time

        I realized that I like to stick to my partner. I agree that we should have our own space, our own time with our family, friends, and also time for ourselves. But I do not know why, I'm just too keen to spend most of my time with my mate. I know this could be annoying. I have to change, I have to balance my time well with all my close friends and family.

       Thinking

        I know we should control our thinking, instead of letting our thinking to control us. It is a fact that cannot be denied that women likes to think. We think about all the negative situation, no matter it is true or not. I don't want to like that. But sometimes, it seem like I can't help myself from acting this way. But one thing guys should know is that, your woman is acting this way because of the you guys had done something, that makes the women act this way. There is no woman who suspects their man if the man doesn't do anything suspicious. (I am not saying I'm facing this case)

        Jealousy

        Actually, I am not a person who gets jealous easily. I am okay if my mate mixes around with his female friends, as long as I know I am the one he loves. It's okay to have a few good friends of the opposite sex. But sometimes, I just can't help myself from comparing his love to me now, with his love to the girl he used to love in the past. I just afraid that he doesn't love me as much as the girl he used to love. Jealousy kills.

        Perfectionist
        I realized that I am a perfectionist when it comes to love. I hunger for a perfect love. It's not that I want my partner to be perfect, but I want our love to be perfect. I want this love to be perfect before it starts, and I hope that there is no end in this love. This has become my weakness. I make myself suffer in agony, when things are not perfect as the way I want it to be. I just want my mate to pay more attention to me, perhaps view my profile daily, read my blogs, or try to understand my past well. I hope he has the initiative and interest to do that, without me asking him to do. It's because that's what I do to my mate. I hope he does the same to me too.

Is it too much that I'm asking for?

I'm sorry.

I also just realized that...

我的心胸不够阔...

我很想放下...

You...

         There are too many incidents that lead me to think of you lately.

         I will never forget what happen that day.

         We used to be too close and now we're so far away. Sometimes my heart wonders how are you doing there so far? And my brain says it's none of my business at all.

         Sometimes I wonder, if you were not just playing around.

         How will everything be like?

         I was just a fool to believe that someone loved me.

        Here comes the rain again,

        Falling from the stars,

        Drenched in my pain again,

        Becoming who we are....

        Thank God I didn't lose what you wanted.

Dearly beloved...

Dearly beloved,

I grew up with your lies but I'm an adult right now.

I know how to differentiate what is true and false 

and yet you're still feeding me with the absurd nonsense.

I love you very much and I always will 

but I'm not Rihanna, I don't love the way you lie.

Please enlighten yourself and do what you should.

My heart ache whenever I think of you,

and what you have become.

even tears could paint my cheeks

I'm trying my best to help,

But I do not know how,

Is my love that I'm giving to you goes to waste?

I just hope that you could walk to the right path...

The whole world may hate you for what you have become,

No matter what happens,

I'll be right beside you dear.

May God bless you...

Just a little reminder...

                I could still remember when I was young, we were poor. We had no car. We had motorcycles and a very old broken van.


              When I was 13, my family managed to buy a second hand car. It was just a Proton Wira. I was so excited. I felt so happy get to sit in a car. Every time I follow my dad to fetch my brother to tuition, just to enjoy sitting in a car. I didn't have to sit the old van anymore.


              Years went by, I went to University. I told my mother the life there is difficult. I had to wait for bus. The weather is so hot, there are a lot of people, I can't stand squeezing around with people in the bus, and it wastes a lot of time to wait for the bus. My uncle came to visit and got a terrible shock that how huge my university is, and how inconvenient to take a bus. My mother loved me so much that she bought a second hand Kancil for me.


              Now, I'm working in kindergarten. I see a lot of lucky kids. They were just as young as 2 and they get to sit in a Honda. How lucky, I thought. I was 13 and felt so excited to sit in a Proton Wira. How stupid was I.


            When I was in University, I admire those who have cars to drive around when I have to sit in bus, they don't have to wait for bus under the hot son. When I couldn't catch a bus, and I walked back to my hostel, then I admire those who get to sit in bus, they don't have to walk. Now even I admire 2 years old kid get to sit in a Honda...


            Come to think of it, I realized one important thing, I've been using too much time to admire people until I've forgotten what have I got. I've got a pair of legs that I could walk everywhere I want. At least I could walk back to hostel when there is no bus. What about those who are cripple? Will they get to walk like I could? Why was I so blind? I supposed to thank God for what I've got. I may be poor, that my family couldn't own big cars or house, but my parents love me very much. That's what matters the most.




            So friends, a simple reminder of this blog for you all and myself is, be grateful for what we have. Stop comparing yourself with others. =)

            She has never waste a single thing in her life. She saves every single penny that she could. Her husband is a gambler and he has never given her a single cent. She has two children to raise. She works hard and she has never enjoy a single day in her life.


            She goes to the supermarket to shop for the cheapest ingredient she could get to cook meals for the family. She thinks twice before she buys anything. She works 24/7 to raise the family. She loves her children very much.


            Finally, her children have grown up. She thought the hard moment has finally over. But her children take her for granted. They do not have any proper job and never give her any money. To make the matter worse, they even ask money from her.


           Now that she is old, she still have to work hard for her all grown up children. She works hard and works hard and works hard, every hard work single penny that she saves is spent on her children. But,they smoke,drink and enjoy every single day like nobody's business.


          She couldn't do anything. She loves them too much. She doesn't scold them at all. She thinks everything she is doing is worth it. She has been taking care of them for her entire life. 


          The children show to respect to her. She is like a slave to them. They would scold her for some minor mistakes she does. She just keep silent.


           She tells nobody. She lies to her relatives. Telling people how great her children are, how great her life is. But people are not blind, they could see how is her life like. She feels ashamed about her life, so she chooses to lie and brag to people. People feel pity for her, yet they hate her for the lies and nonsense. She is making a nuisance of herself. People just dislike her. They just never try to understand what she is going through.


           Can anyone understand how does it feel for one to live in miserable days in life and pretend that everything is alright, and lie to everyone that how great her life is, just to hide her sorrow?




           Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of her. I am no longer a child to be so naive to believe what she tells me. I've realized all the lies she tells. Now, I can see the sorrow in her eyes even she is smiling. But no matter what happens, no matter what has she done, how she lies to me, I will always love her. I will be there for her, because she has always been there with me when I was young. She is the third of the most important person is my life. When I'm all grown up and have a steady job and life, I will give her a better life.


              Please wait for me....


              This song is specially dedicated to her...







                 "Light up, light up,
                  As if you have a choice,
                  Even if you cannot hear my voice,
                  I'll be right beside you dear...


                    Louder,louder,
                    And we'll run for our lives,
                    I can hardly speak I understand,
                    Why you can't raise your voice to say..."
             

Kids...

           Dear friends, it's been a while now since the last time i updated my blog.


           It's semester break again, in fact, it has been 2 months of break already. I'm currently working part time as a teacher in a kindergarten named Krista located in Tg. Tokong in the morning and Penang Chinese Kindergarten teaching standard 3 in the afternoon.


           Well, since I've exposed so much with kids, I'd like to share with you about my opinions about kids.


            Since I've been working in Krista kindergarten, I've seen and exposed with a few kinds of kids and parents.


            Looking at some cute kids, I really couldn't resist myself, I feel like having kids of my own. I know it's crazy and impossible right now. haha. But look at them, the way they call you, wave at you and hug you, their smiles and actions, when their small bodies run to you and hug you, when your big arms wrap against their small little bodies, how could you not love them? This is the first time I'm really exposed with 2 to 4 years old kids this close. They're so tiny and cute. Well, I'm not teaching them, I teach Kindergarten 1 & 2, but I do spend time with the nursery kids too. When I see them learning how to talk, learning new words and actions, they're just too cute.. 


            Just the moment I wonder how would my life be like in the future if I have children of my own, I see those kids being naughty and annoying.


            Kids may be cute, but raising a kid is not easy all. It's like a long term investment. Remind yourself about changing diapers and waking up in the middle of the night when they are crying, taking care of them to make sure they are healthy, give them good education. Plan to have a kid only if you can give your kid a good life.


            It's a fact that cannot be denied that parents nowadays have spoiled their kids. I could still remember the days when I was young. When I was being naughty, my mum would cane me, and when I was crying, she told me "Enough, I don't want to hear your sobbing any more, QUIET." I couldn't even sob when I cry. If I wouldn't stop, she would ask me to stand at the corner. That was how she punished me. I used to afraid of her a lot. Dad was the one to save me whenever I was in trouble. When I was punished by my mum, he would come and console me, try to joke with me to make me happy. I always bullied him, I would beat him and cry even louder, and all he did was smile and try to kiss me, and I would beat him and pushed him away cause I didn't want him to kiss me. I could still remember there is this once I was punished to stay at the corner, and my dad was playing keyboard to cheer me up, I was crying and stubborn enough to close both my ears, as I didn't want to listen to his music. Hahaha..


           Ahh.... Those memories, how I always get punished by my mum and bullied my dad... Oh well, time flies. But now, what I see is, there are a few parents who love their kids too much. They no longer punish their kids anymore. They love their kids way too much until they didn't realise they have spoil them. I do not want to say what did they do, but if I were to do what their kids did, I think I would get a punch in the face by my mum. Hahaa. Oh well, I could just see, and remind myself not to spoil my kids in the future. I think it's a difficult thing to do. When you have a kid of your own, you tend to be too excited to see he or she learn to talk and walk and call Mummy, and you will love him or her too much, and it's just too painful to punish him or her. But, I seriously have to remember to be a strict mother for the sake of my future children.


           Parents nowadays come to school when they hear their children complain that teacher pull their ears or punish them for doing something wrong. What have the world become? How can parents still protect their children when their children are the one did something wrong? Well, I'm still wondering.


           So my dear friends, spare the rod and spoil the child, this is a true phrase. Generations now have changed, they love their children too much until they have spoiled them, but for the sake of the lives of our children, we cannot spoil our children. Punish them when they do something wrong if you really love them.


          Family background is way too important for a child. I realised this too when I'm teaching Krista Kindergarten. I have one 5 years old and 6 years old student who couldn't recognise alphabets and numbers. I've been teaching them for like 1000 times and yet they could forget that F is F, M is M, H is H and so on. I seriously do not know what to do. I'm trying my best to help them. But even they themselves don't want to help themselves. I seriously do not know what to do. I can just continue to repeat and repeat and hope that one day they can tell me that M is M without me telling them that it is an M.


         The point is, you have to teach your kids at home too if you hope them to achieve well in academics, don't just rely everything on kindergartens, cause your kids are here for like 5 hours a day, they spend most of the time with the parents. Parents, teach your children well....


        Well, I hope this post is not offensive. Just sharing =)

"The Gift"

           I borrowed this book "The Gift" by Cecelia Ahern from my friend and it took me about 1 week to finish it.


            At first I thought it was some kind of love novels,but it turned out it was not. The story was okay at first and it ended very unexpectedly and very thought-provoking.


             It was about this man named Lou who was always busy working and neglected his family. He met a homeless man named Gabe in the street and gave him a job in his workplace. Things started to change when Gabe came to his life and gave his the most valuable gift that changed his life forever.


            Well, this is just the summary without the ending.Good book I'd say. *like*


              I seriously recommend all of you guys to read this book. It makes you think about the value of life.

Sleepless night in UPM

         This is the place my writings come when I couldn't sleep.


         I've slept too much earlier. That is why I'm not sleeping tonight.


         When I had a sleepless night in Penang, I would stay online at night and wait for my mom to get up, so that we could have breakfast together.


         Right now I'm so hungry as the last meal I had just now was like 11 hours ago. I want to have breakfast with my mom like we were in Penang. But I couldn't.


         I was terribly homesick few weeks ago. I just couldn't accept a single thing here. Every thing was wrong back then. Academics, personal life, the environment, friends. I just wanted to pack my bag and go back. Too many bad things happened to me that time. I couldn't cope with it. I was thinking how great my life would be if I'm home.


        I talked to my mom and I told her I want to try to transfer to USM. She asked me why, she suggested that idea to me before last semester. I didn't accept it as I thought although the life here is difficult I should go on. But when I talked to her, I couldn't take the life there any longer. She knew something was wrong. She kept asking me why would I want to transfer back all of a sudden. I couldn't hold it any longer. I cried. She was surprised and kept asking me what is wrong.


        "Everything was wrong. I don't belong here!" I said, sobbing.


        She told me this is part of life, we have to go through it. We face difficulties in life. I know all of that.


        "You can come back home if you want. If you really think you cannot do it, you can just come back and study college here...."


        After those words from my mom, I felt even sadder. How much my parents love me? And how much have I disappointed them? I didn't want my mom to be worried about me, and what have I done? I felt so regret to cry to her, and now she's so worried about me. What a useless daughter am I.


      I collapsed during those few days. Everything was just wrong. I prayed hard to God. I ask Him to show me the way. Was I walking in the wrong path? I felt like giving up. I couldn't do it anymore. Why is every thing just didn't go the way it's supposed to be?


         I know my mom's dream is to see me going to local University. I knew she was very happy when she knew I got into UPM. I was happy too actually, until the day I really came here.


         During that weekend I went back home. I had great time with my family, my most valuable asset. My family was very supportive. I was very touched. I dyed my hair red. Very red indeed. I wanted to have a make over, as a symbol of a new beginning.


        "The Law of Attraction" -- I am not sure if I believe in it or not but I have to attract good things to me.


        Thank God, things were getting better when I came back from Penang. I was very touched, Most of my problems seems to have solved. Not all of it, but most of it. =)

        I shouldn't be so weak. I have to be strong. I cannot give up. I cannot let my parents down. I know. I hope this situation doesn't happen twice.

        I'm sure everyone knows about the the tsunami and earthquake happening in Japan. I feel terribly sad for them. Let us pray for them. And I know my situation is nothing compared to them. I shouldn't be such a failure to cry over for such minor things. People are suffering all over the world, and I was living with food and water and yet  I was sad. Oh well, I'm just human, but I have to be strong seriously.

        But I have something on my mind, why are we praying for people AFTER something bad had happen to them? Don't get me wrong, of course praying for them is good.

         Bad things are happening around the world. The moment I'm writing this or the moment you are reading this, a baby might be dying, a man is taking drugs, a child is lost, a wife is being abused, a dog is being tortured, kids lost their beloved parents, a teenager is running away from home... Their lives count too..

         I see the invitations and programs on Facebook like "pray for Japan" and all that. Yes, we should pray for them. But  not only when they face tragedies, it is better to pray for world peace before the tragedies and also when the tragedies are happening, and pray for thankfulness after the tragedies end.

       Of course we pray for them, but still, don't forget about people who are suffering in other countries. 


        Well, this is my opinion.


       The world is in a huge mess right now.

May God :

Give hope to the hopeless,

Give faith to the faithless,

Give food to the hunger,

Give shelter to the homeless,

Give comfort to the pain,

Give an END to the suffering,

Give tissue to wipe away their tears,

May God bless all of us ♥

May all of this end right now.

 World peace!!!

Homesick...

           I have to admit. I am not feeling so good lately. I've had this feelings since I came back to UPM last week. I knew I should be thankful for everything. I've been ignoring my sad feelings and trying to be positive since last week.


           But I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't pretend. I'm only human. I miss my home very much. I know everyone here has to go through the same thing. But I think of my family every single moment.


           I do not know why is this happening to me. It's the second semester already. I should be strong now. I know there are some students from Sabah or Sarawak are much less fortunate than me cause they couldn't even go back for the one week Chinese New Year break. 


          But right now I am so weak.


           I miss every single one,family, relatives and even my dogs. I wanted to go back during weekends. But my  mother asked me not to. As it's a long 6-hour-trip and I could just stay for a few days. No point going back. She is right.


          I do not know what to do. All I can do is to pray for me to be strong.


          One of the reasons I miss my family so much because I have the greatest family members ever. I love them very much. I've never realized that until I left home. They all are very nice to me. They are the greatest assets that God has given me. Like I said before, I'm not rich to have a big bungalow or drive a Porche, but I'm rich for the loving family that I have.


         I miss the moment we go out and drink coffee together.


         I miss the moment we have delicious dinners together.


         I miss the moment I sleep with my nieces, hug them, and kiss them.


          I miss the moment I overnight at my cousin's house.


          I miss the every single moment.


        


           I have a very special father. I have a very special relationship with him. For those who have seen the way I treated my father you will know what I mean.


          Most of my friends or relatives do not treat their fathers like the way I do.


          I always talk to my father rudely,scold him and even hit him. But all of these are in joking manner. Although I treat him that way, but in my heart, I respect him and love him. I'm concern about him a lot.


         All my relatives know our special father and daughter relationship. For a far-distant relative who come and visit us once in a while was shocked to see the way I talk to my father. She advised me to be nice to my father.


          My mother was there to reply :" Let them be, they are always like that. The father enjoys the daughter being rude to him."


         People might think that I'm a bad daughter. But as long as I know I am not, it's okay. Hahaha.


          My father has treated me very nicely since I was young. In other word, spoiled me.When my mother was there to scold me or punish me for doing something wrong, he will be there to comfort me, buy my stuff when I cry. He had never scolded me, unless for some times I was being too much. When my father gets mad and scolds me, I know I would know I am wrong. But this happens rarely.


          He is always there to joke with my crazily since I was young, tease me and give me all kinds of nicknames. He likes to make me scold him and hit him.


        Our way of communicating since I was young was, he would talk jokingly or crazily to me, and I would then shout and scold him.


        This sounds like I'm really a bad and disobedient daughter, but that is really the way our relationships is. He enjoys me shouting at him. Whenever I scold or being rude to him, he will smile and tease me more.


         Though I'm so old and big in size now, I would go and lie beside him on a same sofa just to make him feel uncomfortable. He is a very thin man. And everytime I do so, he would say :"Go away, go away, you want to kill me is it? Just like Smarties (our big dog at home) lying on Snoopy (our small dog at home). Snoopy will die!"


         Hahahaa, what a crazy father I have. I miss him so much.




          I really miss everyone in my family. I miss my youngest niece too. She's very cute. I used to feed her and bathe her. When I go for a sleepover at my cousin's house, we sleep together. Before sleeping, she would asked me to prepare milk for her. I would ask her to kiss me, and then I will make it. I feel I'm lucky when her small lips touch my cheek.


         In the morning, she would wake up early, and keep calling me, and ask me to bring her go swimming. She likes swimming. She is very excited when she wakes up, and keep trying to wake me up. Well, lazy me couldn't wake up early. But to see her exciting face, I couldn't let her down, I would wake up, and go swimming with her and her sister.




          How I miss all of my family so much. I can't wait to go back on semester break. 81 days to go. 


          I need to be strong, and do what I'm supposed to do. 


          Oh well, at least I have blogspot to express my feelings. :)

          May God help me to stay strong...

He was looking at the computer -.-