The disappointment

           August 2012
           I decided to work part time for my final, as I know I will be having less credit hour. Why do I want to work? I hope to have financial independence from my family. My mother is retired. My brother is still studying. I hope not to burden her more with my financial needs. My dear is working almost every weekend. So I should look for a job myself. Not his kind of 12 hours per day job, perhaps just a few hours kind of job.

          Then I found this tuition centre, named "E****". During the interview, the teacher seemed nice, every thing was okay until the salary part, she told me she'd pay me RM10 per hour for the first month, and it will be increased for the second month onwards. Well, RM10 is obviously too low, even the normal tuition centre in Penang is RM12.50 per hour. But I agreed anyway, since she promised me that the salary will be increased from the second month onwards.

          So I came back from Penang to KL on 31st August, one week before semester starts, just to start working. E**** is a franchise tuition centre, teaching English and Mathematics. I was teaching English. The tuition fees is RM130 for a kid for one hour per week if I am not mistaken. Around that rate. Wow, right?

          Time did fly. It was the second month I was working. I asked the teacher who interviewed me is she going to increase my salary by end of that month? She said yes, and asking me is the working environment suits me. Well, the working environment is okay, it's just that it's a bit more tiring that teaching the centre in Penang. She then said she will discuss with her other teachers, and let me know the increasing rate by the end of the second month, which is October.

         However, when I received my October salary, it was still the salary of RM10 per hour. I wanted to ask her the reason for it, but it was the other teacher who gave me my salary, and she was there busy talking on the phone. Fine, I told myself.

         I paid full commitment on this job. I tried my best to teach the children well, and I mark as many books as possible during my working hour. During the mid-term break, everyone went back home. I stayed here and work. My housemates laughed at me and said that I don't miss home anymore since I have started a relationship. But the matter is, don't I miss home anymore? Is it true? I didn't want to think much. I just want to show the tuition centre that I pay full commitment to this job, and I performed well, showing that I am worthy for them to increase my salary.

         November onwards, I tried again to ask her again about the salary. Again, she couldn't give me a definite answer. I sms her as well, and she didn't reply. Few days before the end of November, I asked her again. I felt so shy that I have been asking her about this matter, it seems like I'm such a greedy employee. But RM10 per hour is killing me seriously. I'd rather not to work. Finally, she gave me an answer. She told me she will pay me RM12. I was not satisfied. I told her it wasn't enough. That night, we discuss using sms. Finally, she said she will raise until RM13. The tuition fees is RM130 per hour for one kid, and the salary for the teacher is RM13 per hour. I teach around 4 to 5 kids per hour. Ridiculous right? But fine, I don't care. As long as I earn more than RM10 per hour. I said okay. But she said this effect will have to start one the 4th month onwards, which is December. She said it is better and fair as I have just joined them for 3 months. And I'm the only teacher who gets a raise. Other teacher is still RM10 per hour.

         What should I say? First, she agreed to increase on the second month onwards. Now, she said it will start on the 4th month onwards, after I have been asking her about it for like 5 times. If I didn't mention about the issue, she wouldn't want to increase my salary at all.

          Alright, that's it. I have reached my limit. I told her either she increase for me this month, which is end of November, or I will quit the job. The decision is up to her now, whether she insist to increase only on the 4th month.

          It was the last day of November. I have done my job. She asked me to go to the office to her, and to have a talk.

          She was still paying me the RM10 per hour salary, and asking me to stay with her, saying that I'm a good teacher, and asking me to please understand the situation, as the centre is not on her own, she has to discuss with 2 of her partners. I didn't know what to say. It seemed like she didn't allow me to go at all.

          I felt so bad. I felt like crying. I kept to myself. I don't want to talk more to her anymore. I just told her I will sms her about my decision, and I left the centre.

        I didn't know what was wrong. I didn't do good enough? I have never face this kind of matter before. I have never faced any situation like this in all the kindergartens and tuition centres I used to work in Penang. I had had good relationships with the employers in those kindergarten and tuition centres.

         But what happened here? Is it because what I did is not good enough? But I have sacrifice a lot. Whenever my housemates and friends have plans on Friday and Saturday, I tell them I cannot make it, all because of this tuition. I didn't go back home during the mid-term break because of it. I worked so hard. I wanted to show them that I am responsible for this job. I committed myself to it. I treated them sincerely, all I wanted is for the teacher to fulfil her promise, about increasing my raise during the second month. But what do I get in the end?

         Do I deserve this? I felt so hurt. It feels like they couldn't feel my sincerity. Although she had broke her promise, but I gave her chance, but in the end she takes more advantage on me. Why do I deserve this? What have I done wrong? I have done everything I could. I have paid my full commitment to it. Why they couldn't feel my sincerity towards this job? I am not sad because of the money. I am sad because of the broken promises she made to me, although I have done my best to her.

         I know it's just a small issue. Just quit it, what's the big deal right? I thought so too. But I didn't know what, after I have quitted this job, I felt so hurt and sad, and so disappointed. All I wanted is just to work, and earn some money. I am not doing anything bad here, why did I fail?

          I hated this feeling. The feelings of you pay your full commitment, your sincerity, your sacrifice, your true heart, but all you get is a fake treatment. He or she doesn't even care about you, and treated you fakely, and treated you as nothing. It felt so bad. It feels like what you do is in vain. It hurts me to badly...

          I hate that feelings. It kinda reminds me of something...
          I hate to be treated like this.

我不想在说

我不想再谈

我不想分享

这个问题

是没有解决的

每次都这样

我很辛苦

我很想放弃

解脱一切

我总觉得

我不能继续

有一种不完美，

被欺骗的感觉

我很失望我自己变成这样

不是我想像中的我

我知道你现在对我的好

我很珍惜 现在的我们

也有打算我们的未来

但是为什么

我一直被过去影响我现在的心情？

我不想再和你分享了

这样只会让你觉得更烦

然后影响大家的心情

你也做不了什么

只能自己觉得内疚

吵架也吵过了无数次

安慰我的话

我也听完了

对不起，

无论你做什么

也补不会那些错误

我心中的遗憾

有谁理解吗？

我一直在问我自己

我几时才可以放下？

我不能回答这个问题

但是有一个问题我很确定答案，

那就是，

如果上天给我一个从来的机会

我一定不会选择我现在这一条路。。。

这个问题
这种心情
让我自己来面对好了
我真的不想再谈
然后又吵架
我不想再从来这一切了


因为这是我自己的问题
是我的心不够宽
放不下那一切
这是一个没有解决的问题
我只能自己面对
没有人可以帮我


心里总在埋怨，

为什么当初你要这样对我...

Love

          

 What is love? 

        This is a frequent asked question by mankind, and yet there is no definite answer for it. People has been talking about it and giving their own definition for it.

         Love is blind.

         Love is beautiful.

         Love is the answer.

         Love will keep us alive.

         True love never dies.

          And so on....

         I've been experiencing love since I was young. Family love. It is a very simple love, and can be easily understood. My parents love me, and I love my parents. Reasons? Because I am their child. They are the one who raised me up. I am who I am today all because of them. I love my family and relatives. Reasons? Because we are connected, we are related with one another. If I were a stranger to them, we wouldn't be loving each other at all. Love in family is simple, and easy to understand why we love each other.

        Lately, I've experienced different kind of love. This love is much more complicated than family's love, and it could not be understood easily. How could I love someone that is not related to me so deep? He is not my family member, or someone who is with me since I was young. He was a stranger, then a friend, and slowly became someone I love. The feeling of this kind of love is difficult. You want to know more about him, you care for him, and maybe you care too much, and you would sacrifice your time just for him. Love, is when the things he does would affect your mood completely, because you just care too much.

      Since I've been experiencing this love, I feel like I am not the person who I used to know. It can be said in two ways, I do not know who I am anymore, or I have understood myself more. I have learned a few traits in me.

        Time

        I realized that I like to stick to my partner. I agree that we should have our own space, our own time with our family, friends, and also time for ourselves. But I do not know why, I'm just too keen to spend most of my time with my mate. I know this could be annoying. I have to change, I have to balance my time well with all my close friends and family.

       Thinking

        I know we should control our thinking, instead of letting our thinking to control us. It is a fact that cannot be denied that women likes to think. We think about all the negative situation, no matter it is true or not. I don't want to like that. But sometimes, it seem like I can't help myself from acting this way. But one thing guys should know is that, your woman is acting this way because of the you guys had done something, that makes the women act this way. There is no woman who suspects their man if the man doesn't do anything suspicious. (I am not saying I'm facing this case)

        Jealousy

        Actually, I am not a person who gets jealous easily. I am okay if my mate mixes around with his female friends, as long as I know I am the one he loves. It's okay to have a few good friends of the opposite sex. But sometimes, I just can't help myself from comparing his love to me now, with his love to the girl he used to love in the past. I just afraid that he doesn't love me as much as the girl he used to love. Jealousy kills.

        Perfectionist
        I realized that I am a perfectionist when it comes to love. I hunger for a perfect love. It's not that I want my partner to be perfect, but I want our love to be perfect. I want this love to be perfect before it starts, and I hope that there is no end in this love. This has become my weakness. I make myself suffer in agony, when things are not perfect as the way I want it to be. I just want my mate to pay more attention to me, perhaps view my profile daily, read my blogs, or try to understand my past well. I hope he has the initiative and interest to do that, without me asking him to do. It's because that's what I do to my mate. I hope he does the same to me too.

Is it too much that I'm asking for?

I'm sorry.

I also just realized that...

我的心胸不够阔...

我很想放下...