Guilty

         Well,since STPM is over,I am so free now.

        I want this moment to be a very productive moment. I want to live it to the fullest. I want to do a lot of things.

       First,I went for a camp. It was a Buddhist Children Camp. We were supposed to take care of around 150 little children. It was on Thursday,the day after my STPM. I thought I might want to do something meaningful and I wanted to be helpful,so I joined the camp. Plus,I've never joined any camp before. I thought this might be a good experience.

     Thursday,when I just went to the camp, it wasn't like how I was expected.

     Seriously,the camp was too strict. They were going to take away our handphones as they say no handphones are allowed. Some members there told me,if they realised anyone didn't hand up their handphone,there will be a spot check for everyone.

    I was like,are you kidding me? I'm just finished my strict life in school. Now you're telling me I'm going to live this kind of life..AGAIN?

     That was not all. I felt very uncomfortable there. So,I called my mother and asked her to fetch me back earlier,I couldn't live this kind of life. It was too strict. I thought if I felt uncomfortable,why should I continue it? I wanted to enjoy in this camp,but I couldn't. What's the point of continuing it?

    Actually,some of the talks are nice. I learned something too. The Shi Fu there taught some meaningful lessons. It was quite nice. But most of the time I wasn't feeling good. Plus, it was too tiring.

   But,deep inside my heart, I felt very guilty. I was the one who said that I'd want to help out in the camp. But I was the one to quit the camp earlier too. I know I am being irresponsible. I felt to guilty for them. Also for my friend Monique too,cause I couldn't accompany her till the last day of the camp. I was the one who asked her if she was interested to go for the camp and she went with me. But I left her there alone.

    I'm so sorry to everyone of you. I just couldn't continue it.

   We did a lot of prayer there. We prayed to Buddha all the time for hours. When ones is praying,he or she should concentrate on it and fully believe in it. But deep inside my heart, I couldn't concentrate,cause I was doubting about myself, do I believe in this? I know I didn't totally believe in it. I am sorry. So, it is meaningless to pray if you do not believe in it.

   I am still finding the religion that I could totally believe in it. I believe there is God. But,who is God? Is it Jehovah who sent Jesus to save us? Or is it Buddha who figured out about live,old,sick,death(in chinese)? Or who is it? It's still remain a doubt in my heart. I will continue to figure it out.

   Once again,I'm sorry that I quit earlier in the camp.

Finally...

9th of Dec 2009

         Finally,this day has come. I thought it will never come. I thought it will be like forever. But just for a while,this day has come.

        Yes,this is the last day of my STPM. 4pm! I felt so excited. I felt like wanna scream out loud. But I couldn't. Cause we were in the exam hall. It was great! I felt so relieved. It's like a big rock has drop from my back. Quickly, I walked out of the school and got into the car and went home feeling happily.

        Well,you guys will never guess what was the first thing I did when I reached home.

      What was it?

     My beloved dog gave me a present!!! What was it??

    His vomit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So the first thing I saw when I open the door was his vomit!!! The first thing I did when I reached home is to clean up his vomit!!!!!!! -.- Stupid dog! What a good present for his master!

    Then,I quickly help my mother to clean up the house. Then,I went to have steamboat with my friends in "Huo Guo Zi Jia" (House of Steamboat) lol. Then we went to watch a movie. (Couple Retreat)

       I just felt to great. When I reached home,it was 2 something already. I cleaned my room until 5 something. Cause I will be going to a camp on the next day till Sunday. I want to have a great rest in a clean room when I reach home on Sunday. And guess what again? I slept at 5 something around 6am.

    Suddenly,my mom woke me up,it was 7 something.

   "Snoopy shit in your room!!!!!!!!!"

   Thanks to my stupid dog. I slept for like 2 hours and I had to wake up to clean his shit! -.-

   This dog gave me 2 presents for finishing my STPM within 24 hours. I didn't know whether to thank him or beat him! If he does the same thing next time,I guess you guys will have dog meat BBQ to eat next time!

   Anyway,I feel so happy that STPM is over. Well,that was how my form6 life ends. No more school uniform. No more going to class. Wow....Will I be seeing my form6 friends again? Oh well.....I'd like to take this opportunity to wish them all the best in their future! No matter what you do,just do your best! :)

   And I'd like to scream

     I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOO!!! :D :D

What was that?

30th November 2009

          It was around 10pm and I was tired already. But I haven't study for the economy test for Monday. So,I set my alarm to 12am and had a nap.

         The alarm rang. It was 12am already. I turned off the alarm and continue to sleep.

         Suddenly,I felt my head was stuck to the right side. I couldn't move my head. It was like something keep pushing my head from the left. I couldn't turn my head to center or left side. It was very painful.

          This went on for quite some time. I tried very hard to get up but I couldn't. I wanted to get up from the bed and ask my mother to help me. But I couldn't get down of the bed. I had no energy in me. I didn't know why. I've tried to hard but I just couldn't move. I even tried to turn my head, the more I tried,the more it hurt. Tears even flowed out of my eyes. It was very painful. I had no way to get over it no matter how hard I try.

        Then, I thought of an idea. I prayed. I prayed to God. I said "Dear God,I'm in pain,please let me get over this. I cannot hold any longer." (in hokkien)

       Suddenly,I was awake! I was shocked to realise that it was a dream. But how could it be so real? My body position was exactly the same in the dream.  Was that actually a dream? How come everything was so real?

        It's just too real! And I wondered how come just I finished praying and I was awake already? Was that a coincident? Or was God actually helping me? Or God is trying to give me a hint? What was that all about?

       Am I thinking too much? But it's just impossible for me to let it go without thinking of anything. I cannot forget the moment I was in pain.

       I've heard about people saying about this. They say that "something" is disturbing you. It's called "鬼压床" in Chinese. But I don't really believe it. Cause I was in my own house. If I was in a hotel room or any other place, I might believe it.  My house safe as far as I know.

      Some people said that this happens when we're too tired or stressed. Well, that can be true. But I was not really worried about anything serious. Just some minor stuff like the exams and so on.

     Well,even if I was very tired and stressed, why I could wake up just at the time I finished praying.What was that all about?Was God really helping me? Or it was just a coincident?

     It's still a doubt in my mind....

                       Anyway, Thank God I was awake at last.....